work

i never blog about work.  first, it's hard to talk about work because so much goes on that to blog about it would just be to scratch the surface.  i don't really like talking about what i do even though people tend to find it interesting.  people ask, "how is work?" and i honestly don't even know where to begin.

also, my work is very stressful.  so talking about it just reminds me of all the things i need to do and have coming up that i'd rather forget about in my personal life.  i mean, it's not like i'm an in-house counsel who sits around and reviews contracts all day.  the law i practice is down and dirty and the people who are my clients are generally involved in pretty messy situations.  divorce isn't pretty.  everyone loses.  no one ever comes out of a divorce case with a "victory," just varying degrees of loss.  people are terrible to each other, and terrible to their children, and dealing with that every day is not something that is fun for me to talk about at dinner parties.

also, i don't think it's a good idea to blog about cases.  even though i'd of course keep it anonymous, it still feels wrong.

but today, i'm breaking my rule and blogging about work.

i'm at a breaking point. i don't have a secretary, but i can't go on any longer spending hours every day doing clerical tasks like addressing envelopes, filing papers, and making courthouse runs that i can't bill my clients for. i am unbelievably, over the top stressed out.  i have piles of files to be opened and filing to be done.  my february bills didn't even go out until march 25.  

but at the same time, i'm not quite yet in a financial position to hire a secretary and be responsible for someone else's salary. 

last month i billed about 1/3 of what i was billing at the last firm i was at. if i had a secretary, i could have billed twice that - even working the cake hours that i've been keeping.

even so, i won't actually make all of what i billed, because my clients don't pay. i'll be lucky if i collect on 1/4 of it. and after taxes and overhead, that doesn't leave much.

when i was a baby attorney with lofty morals and a cushy salaried position, i was quick to proclaim that i'd never alienate a client because they weren't able to pay.  no no no, how unethical to stop working on a case when your client is in crisis.  of course they can't be expected to come up with all that money when they make $12.00 an hour and have three kids to support and a deadbeat spouse who's hidden the savings account.

but now? i have to pay my own we$tlaw subscription and my own CLE and my own bar dues and my own malpractice insurance and $125 for a single stupid deskbook that will be obsolete in 10 months and when all that's paid i have to pay my mortgage with what's left.  and in order to do so, i'm going to have to join the ranks of all those other attorneys of the world who stop working on your case until you pay your bill. because i can't work for free anymore. 

now i just have to figure out how to tell my clients, those poor working fathers and mothers who just want time with their kids and a little piece of the equity in the house, that i can't represent them until they hock their worldly possessions to pay their attorney fees. how do i look them in the face and tell them that no, i can't make an exception this month, they need to squeeze blood out of their turnip of a bank account and pay their bill to me before i can help them any more?

all they see is a greedy attorney behind a big black desk who's taking a hard line with them, who just doesn't understand the position they're in. but can't you see?? you're my attorney, you know what my situation is! you know i don't have any money to pay you!

what they don't understand is that i paid for this big black desk with a credit card and i can't afford a secretary and i have a seven month old baby with a daycare bill that won't get paid if i spend all my time working on cases for free.

i love the flexibility that working for myself is giving me. but more often than not i really hate what i do for a living.  

it better pay off someday.

thanks for listening.