cringeworthy

a few days ago i wrote the last check in my checkbook. that evening i took the empty book of duplicate checks out of my purse and replaced it with a new book. i left the old book of duplicates sitting on the side table in the living room.

this evening kitten picked it up and started reading it, upright (sideways), like a book. she started talking to me, and this is the lecture that i got:

i weed dis book, mama? okay, i weed it MY-self. MY-self. O-kay.

then she sees my handwriting.

you color on dis, mama? you color on paper! uh-HUH. O-kay, that NO NO NO. mama, you don't color on dis paper. that NO NO NO.

*****

a few weekends ago she was at my mom's house, and mom showed her a bunch of daddy longlegs on the front porch. the following weekend we were there again, and she raced to the front porch and exclaimed, "where all the babydaddys??"

*****

like many families in our demographic, we are big Yo Gabba Gabba fans. they have a recurring segment where a puppet eats a bunch of sweets, and then there's a close-up of the sweets having a party in the puppet's tummy. then the broccoli and the carrots and the other vegetables start singing about wanting to go to the party. the tagline is, "there's a party in my tummy!"

every morning i sit at the kitchen table and put on my makeup while she eats her breakfast. this morning, spontaneously, she pulled up her shirt and said, "there's a party in my tummy!" i nodded and kept applying my mascara. she looked down at her tummy again, then tugged at the waistband of her pajamas and said, "there a party in my pants??"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ALLOWED ON THE COFFEE TABLE

a tantrum in nine parts

I.  Repudiation

II. Realization

III. Argumentation

IV. Frustration

V. Intervention

VI. Abandoned on the Floor and NO ONE LOVES ME

VII.  Abdication

VIII.  Exoneration

IX.  Fin.

my cat hates you

we have these animals that live in our house.  share our living space.  

shed.

back when i was in college it seemed like a great idea to get a little indoor kitten to cuddle with at night and sit in my lap while i studied.  simultaneously, somewhere on the other side of tulsa county, J and his ex-wife were childless and it seemed like a great idea to get a little indoor puppy to play fetch with and ... do whatever else you do with dogs.  i don't know, because i'm not a dog person.

seven years passed, and worlds collided.

gatsby.  gatsby hates you.  but don't feel bad.  gatsby hates me, too.  gatsby hates indiscriminately and with the inimitable contempt conveyed only by cats.  we are here only for gatsby's pleasure, to scratch him when he feels like being scratched.  the rest of the time, you and i can scratch off.

valkyrie.  valkyrie loves you.  valkyrie loves me, too.  the feeling is not entirely mutual.  valkyrie licks and i can't stand it.  valkyrie is overeager.  she wants to sleep in your lap.  she doesn't care that it's one hundred degrees outside.  valkyrie smells like burned scrambled eggs.  

when i think about a dog i'd like to have, i imagine a giant saint bernard who naps quietly fireside as i stroke his head and read my book, and who disappears the rest of the time.  and doesn't lick.  essentially a giant cat.  i don't need a dog, i need a tiger.

[digression: i just noticed that the television automatically switched from the music station to spongebob squarepants because J is DVR'ing it for autumn on TWO different channels.  IS THIS MY LIFE.]

but valkyrie is a good guard dog.  she's only 15lbs, but she's fracking loud, and antsy and skittish, so she doesn't miss a thing.  which is nice when J's gone at night, albeit annoying as all get out the rest of the time.  and i will admit to, on occasion, inviting her to sleep on the bed when J's gone, except that she takes this as an invitation to burrow under the covers and become dead to the world, totally useless.

valkyrie is a scavenger.  miniature pinschers are a rat terrier breed of dog.  when we moved into this house i posted about how irritated i was that she was turning our yard into a series of giant culverts, trying to unearth a mole or a gopher or whatever.

and then this turned up.  knock me over with a feather, right?

Exhibit 1: mole or gopher

it almost made me forgive her for turning our back yard into this:

Exhibit 2: culvertization

i am now of the opinion that everyone with a small child should have an indoor dog because valkyrie waits with such rapt patience at the foot of kitten's chair to immediately recover each tiny morsel of dropped food.  that's gross, but i don't care.  you can't imagine the time saved by not having to sweep after every meal.

Exhibit 3: 

isn't it cute the way kitten hooks her toes on the edge of the tray?

as i was mentally composing this post this morning while i fed kitten breakfast, the following occurred:

Exhibit 4: this morning

there are a multitude of things going on in this picture.  first we have the sleepy-eyed kitten--for once the innocent bystander--eating her banana and cheerios.  

Exhibit 4: continued

and then there's gatsby (who hates us).  he has just smacked the cereal box onto the floor with his front paw.  see how he's watching the minion below to see what unfolds?

Exhibit 4: continued

valkyrie has JUMPED INTO ACTION and is frantically cleaning as many cheerios as she can before i swat her away.  she has a pavlovian response that kicks in when she's eating human food, making her paranoid and jumpy.  as opposed to the rest of the time, when she's just paranoid and jumpy.

exhausted from his activities, gatsby reclines for a nap:

Exhibit 5: supreme indifference, thirty seconds later

so there you have it.  i let the dog clean my floor, and my cat sleeps on the kitchen table.  it's worth pointing out that i swiffer my floor once a week, and i wipe down the table before each meal.  my mom won't find this to be remotely redeeming because in her mind indoor animals are universally verboten, as evidenced by my hamster-free childhood.  

but i'm not holding back.  welcome to my life.

swimming

10 months

here are a couple of videos of kitten being kitten, for those of you who don't get to see her often.

without further ado...

...a few fourth of july pictures.

everything is peachy

for those of you who are wondering.  

kitten's procedure went great.  they gave her a baby dose of versed to relax her beforehand which had her marveling at her amazing fingers.  when she woke up from the anesthesia about thirty minutes later she was VERY angry, but we took her home and got her fed and napped, and she was a much happier baby.  

in the past five days since then she's learned to clap, wave and say "bye-bye," climb down from the sofa backward and feet-down (as opposed to head-first), and she's repeated "ball" and "baby," and she's learned to use "uh-oh" in context (as she picks up a dvd and throws it on the  floor: "uh-oh").  she's had a bit of a headcold and fever so last night she slept with me, and i heard her murmuring "uh-oh" in her sleep.  too cute.

i have a LOT of unreturned phone calls right now, but i'm significantly stressed out over this office move so when i'm not working i'm pretty much huddled up on my sofa in the fetal position chanting "nooooooes."

just kidding.  but i have been laying very low lately as i try to sort out what direction my office and career is going, so if i've dodged your calls, i really apologize.  and thank you for all the birthday wishes.

kitten's ears

we are scheduled to have tubes put in kitten's ears tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.  it's a fifteen minute procedure, but we have to be there early to talk to the anesthesiologist, etc.  she is the first surgery of the day because she can't eat or drink anything after midnight.

of course i'm anxious about everything, especially the anesthesia, but i am certain that we are making the right decision.  her ears, even though they are not infected, are full of fluid and are causing her pain, pressure, and muffled hearing every day.  she pulls at her ears all day.

wish us luck.

thing three

(post script - this is a colossally long post.  i apologize.  but once i started typing, my blood pressure went back up.)

as you all know, i looked long and hard to find a daycare at which i was comfortable leaving Kitten.  and for the last six months, it's been a blessing.  but recently the daycare has been undergoing some changes which affected Kitten's care in a way which rapidly rose to the level of unacceptable.

i firmly believe that finding a good daycare has nothing to do with the facility itself, or the toys, or the playground equipment, or how expensive it is, or how well-decorated.  and really, even the directors of the facility take a back seat to the most important thing: the teacher who is in the room with my daughter all day.

the original infant room teacher left the daycare about one month after Kitten started there.  i was upset about it.  the teacher who moved up into the lead teacher position, Miss J, was young and i was worried that she wouldn't be able to handle the chaos of an infant room.  

it took a few weeks, but Miss J really got things into shape.  i became very happy with the way the infant room was running.  Kitten became very bonded to Miss J, and it was apparent that she was getting really good care.  Miss J was there when i dropped Kitten off in the morning, and she was there when i picked her up.  continuity of care is so important for young children, so having the same teacher in the room all day was crucial to me.  Kitten was consistently happy, well fed, dry, and clean.  i could tell when i picked her up every day that things were going well - and Miss J and i got along perfectly.  Kitten was happy as a clam every single afternoon.

unfortunately, the daycare never put any real effort into finding a steady second teacher for the room to assist Miss J.  there were a couple of girls who were there part of the time that i really liked - and a couple more who i really didn't care for.

further, despite Miss J's efforts, there were some things about the infant room that really needed to be changed.  keep in mind this was a brand-new facility developing brand-new policies, so when "parent survey" time came around i sat down and took the time to write a long suggestion letter.  the letter resulted in a call from an attorney who worked for the off-site owner.  we had a very good and productive conversation--but none of the changes we discussed ever materialized.  for instance, i felt strongly that the infant room needed to adopt a "no shoes" policy, as it was the only facility i had ever visited that permitted shoes in the infant room.  daily sheets needed to be two-way so that parents filled out information in the morning, because i didn't feel like the information in my thirty-second verbal run-down (4oz bottle at 6am, don't give her any tylenol until after 9am, she had a fussy night and will need a longer nap, etc.) sufficiently made it to the caregivers.  stuff like that.  i even offered to have my sister (who is the infant teacher/director extraordinaire with a degree in early childhood education and all the certifications you could ask for) come in and consult for a day or two for FREE.  they wanted to - but never followed through.

Miss J was so great, though, that i got over it, even though i remained a little annoyed.

then, two weeks ago, Miss J was out for two days in a row.  the first day i did not recognize any of the women in the infant room when i dropped off Kitten, and when i picked her up i could tell that she was out of sorts.

the second day i again did not recognize any of the women in the infant room, and i swear to god something inside me told me to not leave her.  i ignored it but promised to pick her up extra early.  

when i got there at 3:00 p.m., i walked into the room to see her standing on the floor with her pacifier (she is not permitted to have a pacifier except at naptime), holding onto a chair, red-faced and distraught.  the room was complete chaos, an utter mess, babies crying everywhere.  i picked her up feeling like a HORRIBLE mother for having left her.  i walked across the room and picked her blanket up from the floor (why was it there?) and put it in her crib, which is next to her cubby.  i looked in her cubby and realized that BOTH of her bottles were completely dry - she had not been given a bottle ALL DAY.  i picked up her daily sheet and she had NO BOTTLES and NO DIAPER CHANGES written down for the ENTIRE DAY.  her diaper was soaked.  she was traumatized. i was LIVID.

one of the secondary teachers that i like, Miss K, had just come into the room after getting out of class (she's in college) and she was frantically running around the room doing damage control while the two strange women kind of lurked around not doing anything productive.  Miss K apologized profusely, but i know it wasn't her fault--she'd barely walked through the door herself.  Miss K told me that the strange women reported that Kitten was crying all day, every time they'd set her down.

PERHAPS BECAUSE SHE WAS STARVING, YOU DOLTS????

i left the daycare and took Kitten straight home.  she was hysterical by the time we pulled into the driveway.  she took a giant bottle, a container of bananas, and a double-size bowl of oatmeal before she would calm down.  i cried.

and then i called the director.  of course she apologized and promised to go to the infant room right away and straighten it out, but i didn't feel any better.  i cuddled with Kitten all evening, even after she was fed and happy and was squirming to be out of my arms.

i vowed that the next day, if Miss J wasn't back, i wasn't leaving Kitten there - and thank GOD she was.  we had a LONG talk and Kitten was super happy to see her teacher.  

that afternoon Miss J and i had another long talk, and she confided that she was putting in her notice that day because the administration was too chaotic and she couldn't get them to support her or to hire any consistent assistance for her.

AHHHHHH.

so i put in my notice, too, and made immediate arrangements for Kitten to start attending a home daycare in the fall, and to stay with my sister for the rest of the summer.

and THEN, the next day, the off-site director called me and begged me to reconsider.  apparently they had already decided to terminate the on-site directors and are planning huge changes to the center, but these things hadn't been made public to the employees or parents yet.

i feel badly because i am invested in this center, and i wanted to see it grow and succeed.  as ya'll know, i spent a TON of time choosing the center that felt right for Kitten.  and there are still many teachers there who i trust greatly - but unfortunately, none of them are in the infant room full-time.

what's more, Princess is attending summer camp there, to great success. she is happy with her teachers and has had wonderful consistency of care (like i said--it's all about the teachers in the room).

i spoke at length with the off-site attorney, and wavered for a few days.  ultimately i decided to go ahead and keep Kitten out of the center, for now.  she will continue with my sister for the rest of the summer, and Princess will continue in their summer camp as long as she's happy.  

and in the fall, i have promised to come back to the center to meet the new director and new infant teacher and see what changes they've made, and reconsider Kitten's placement.  it's entirely possible that the new staff will be wonderful - but i won't allow Kitten to be a guinea pig in the midst of all that change.

not to mention that i had to put down a $400 deposit at the home daycare toward Kitten's fall enrollment.  the home daycare is the same center that i originally almost placed Kitten in, but i didn't at the time because the home daycare closes at 5:00 p.m. sharp and i was worried that would be problematic - but now i know it's workable.  the home daycare has a WONDERFUL curriculum and is terribly organized and creative.  the woman has one employee and keeps mostly teacher's kids, which is why she closes so early.  it's clear that she's put a huge amount of time and effort into developing her program over the last 30 years.  she keeps only children up to 5 years old, and funnels them directly into the local pre-k program.  it's much more of a tiny little private school than a daycare, and i have high hopes that it will work for us.

but who knows? the risk of a home daycare is, of course, that there is only one person in charge, and if you and that one person don't get along, there's no one else to go to.  and the woman does seem quite, ahem, assertive--but i'm never going to fault a woman for that!

wish us luck.

squeezing the spaghetti

image courtesy of my sister, who is watching Kitten during the day for the rest of the summer.

sure as kilimanjaro rises like olympus above the serengeti

-toto, "africa"

i have become a Mommy.  not a mother--that's what i became when i gave birth.  but today, 09 june in the year of our lord 2009 at approximately 1:45 p.m., i became a Mommy.  the following is the facebook account of the sordid manner in which it occurred:

Melissa just bought the girls red, white, and blue outfits for independence day.  i'm officially a monster.  1:53 p.m.

Linda G. at 2:04 pm June 9: Hahahahahahaha! It happens to the best of us.  Embrace it.

Kara G. at 2:11pm June 9: but I bet they are SUPER COOL red white and blue outfits right?! right?

Bobby L. at 2:15pm June 9: Ha....I'll leave it at that

Amy L.I. at 2:17pm June 9: LOL! Give in to it!

Tj J. at 2:38pm June 9: I NEVER would have pegged you for the type...just sayin'

Melissa at 2:53pm June 9: at least they are what i consider to be "benignly" patriotic. red, white, and blue prints but no "USA ROCKS!" or "land of the free, home of the SOONERS." is that at all redeeming or shall i just resign myself to mom jeans right now?

Kara G. at 2:56pm June 9: if they were like, red white and blue grateful dead bears, I could see it...

Melissa at 2:58pm June 9: no jerry bears, but Kitten's shirt says "peace." that counts.

Bobby L. at 3:00pm June 9: You should get a free pass this time....it's patriotic, plus....you called yourself out....gotta count for something....matching sweaters for Christmas????

Kara G. at 3:02pm June 9: yeah! see I knew there was something in there that would make this all coalesce for me...

Amy L.I. at 3:02pm June 9: Ouch, Bobby!

Melissa at 3:07pm June 9: i've clearly been watching too much "jon and kate plus 8."

le sigh.

always on the wrong side of the door

ENT appointment

we has one.  for Kitten. in two weeks.  she's got another ear infection.  

i'm almost relieved.  i'd never wish for her to have an invasive procedure, but i really hate her being on antibiotics all the **** time.  it's like clockwork - ear infection, ten day round of antibiotics, she's happy for 5-8 days, then another ear infection.  i'm fed up, and it's screwing with her sleeping schedule because when she's got an ear infection she won't lay down flat.

tubes it is!

a photo story

in four parts

***

***

***

"any mummery will cure if the patient's faith is strong in it."

-mark twain

our family had two doctors' appointments today - Kitten's 9 month check-up and J's follow-up with the orthopedic specialist after having an MRI on his knee last thursday.

as expected, J is going to need surgery to repair a torn meniscus in his left knee.  surgery is schedule for two weeks from tomorrow, on friday, june 12.  they expect that he will be up and about the next day, which J was happy to hear.

Kitten's doctor pronounced her "perfect in every way," as mary poppins would say.  she has met or exceeded all of her developmental milestones.  she has no stranger anxiety (yet - although she's begun expressing a clear preference for me, much to J's annoyance) so she sat happily in the ped's lap and watched him talk.  the fluid in her ears has cleared up for now, and there were no shots to be had today.  her stats are as follows:

weight: 17lbs, 8oz (25%)

length: 28.25 inches (65%)

head: 40%

she's still long and skinny - and moving around at lightening speed.  in fact, she's so BUSY during the day that she no longer has the patience to take a bottle while at daycare, although she's happy to eat all the fruits, vegetables, and oatmeal that they will feed her.  as a result, she's not getting quiiiite enough formula every day (15-20 oz instead of 24-32 oz), so we're going to work a little harder on that.  

tomorrow is the last day of school.  J and i worked our tails off to get Princess's "new" room finished and it looks great.  i would promise pictures but i'm uber busy and can't guarantee it.  at any rate i'm sure she'll love it.

that's all i got.

the sun is but a morning star.

-henry david thoreau, walden

at 5:51 a.m. this morning, like every saturday morning, when i heard the first stirrings from Kitten's crib i groaned to myself and silently begged her to sleep for just a few more minutes. it's hard getting up at that hour every single day.  which is why i find myself going to bed at 8:30 p.m. on a friday night.  shocking, even to me.

but like every other saturday morning, i dragged myself out of bed leaving a sleeping J behind, picked Kitten up from her crib, and took her into the living room to start our day.

by 6:30, after my english muffin and cup of coffee has kicked in and Kitten has been changed and fed a bottle, the world looks considerably brighter (both literally and figuratively), and i begin to be thankful for this time that i have with her each week, those unrushed hours between sunrise and 9:30 a.m. when aislinn goes down for her nap and J and Princess wake up and the making of blueberry pancakes or omelets begins - those in-between hours with the smell of coffee and morning air coming in through the back door screen, the sound of crosby, stills, nash, and young coming through the infinity speakers that my dad bought me in high school (lesson: you must always, always have quality speakers) and Kitten happily babbling, just the two of us.

here's a snippet of this morning, complete with dirty onesie (she played on the patio while i watered the plants and we rescued a caterpillar from death at the beaks of the birds nesting there - or at the hands of aislinn, who seriously almost ate it before i saw it).

(sorry for the formatting problem where the video window runs off the right margin; click on the video to take you straight to youtube if you want to see the whole screen.)

wherein i reduce my life to bullet points because i don't have time to post in full sentences

• summertime starts next week!
• repainted the very large guest bedroom and are moving Princess out of her small bedroom into it next week while she's at her mom's as a start-of-the-summer surprise
• new bedspread, rugs, lamps, paint, curtains whole new 1st-grader look: no more pale pink princess, lots of bold purple, pink, blue, orange, and lime green; J doesn't see the big deal--obviously he was never a seven year old girl
• Princess is going to summer camp at Kitten's daycare - SO looking forward to dropping them off at the same place each morning
• trying to make summer plans, gave Princess the choice of visiting any state contingent to oklahoma, she picked kansas - what's in kansas?? - we convinced her to do arkansas; will probably go to branson 2 nights then eureka springs 2 nights - suggestions welcome
• annual lake trip with my family coming up in a few weeks
• Kitten's 9 month check-up is next week - NO VACCINATIONS THIS TIME so don't have to worry about that for another three months
• J blew out his knee last sunday (kneeling in front of the fridge to check out what kinds of beer we had after helping my sister and her husband remodel all day) which ended us up at the ER; we've consulted with ortho and had an MRI today, check-up next thursday will reveal whether he'll need surgery to repair what is probably a torn ligament
• work is crazy, hectic, miserable, annoying, and makes me clench my jaw, but i still wouldn't trade the flexibility that having my own practice gives me for anything, because you can't put a price on being able to skip out of the office immediately without having to make up the billables over the weekend when you get a call about a sick kid
• Kitten and Princess are complete opposites, i can already tell - Princess is very cautious, "wait and watch" type of girl; Kitten sees it, wants it, and is INTO it in 0.395 seconds
• southcrest hospital ER had us in and out in 1 hour - impressive for the second ER visit of my life
• my first visit: hillcrest, 10p.m., friday night, handful of friends, accident (not mine) with a bottle of spiced rum, a new glass pitcher from pier one freshly washed in hot water, and an ice maker in the dorms
• Kitten update: favorite baby foods: peas (yeck), cherry applesauce; least favorite: bananas, squash; pulling up and sitting down proficiently, moves from object to object (couch to coffee table), will be walking in no time; says "gaga," "yaya," "baba," and a little "mama" and "dada," but doesn't yet assign meanings to anything
• my sister and her husband are still remodeling their house and it is going to look amazing when it's finished
• my sister and her husband also adopted a new dog, lexie, who is like a long-lost twin to their yellow lab maggie
• if you see my sister or her husband be nice to them because their plate is FULL and they can't really speak in full sentences right now
• Kitten's still sleeping in the pack and play in our bedroom; after we finish Princess's room i'm going to actually dec-or-ate Kitten's room with the goal of having her sleeping in there by her birthday in august - we can't have her dreaming in anything less than a well-appointed bedroom, can we?  i've picked out the pottery barn kids "brooke" bedding pattern and hopefully will be able to buy it before they discontinue it
• made homemade chicken fried rice for dinner tonight and it is SO much better than the stuff from Asian Chef down the street
• and finally, congratulations to my friend jennifer taylor who just found out she's having a GIRL!!!!! to become a little sibling to her son blayne.  welcome to club pink.  i know you're thrilled.

malaise

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful. - Gautama Siddharta

Kitten and i are still sick.  last week my doc put me on antibiotics for a sinus infection and the antibiotics (i hate antibiotics, rarely take them) proved to be harder on my system than the sinus infection so i quit taking them, and then in the last 48 hours the sinus infection has redoubled its efforts to make my life miserable, so i started back on the antibiotics along with a little alka seltzer cold and a lot of water and a lot more misery.

yesterday was Kitten's 7th day on her most recent course of antibiotics for the third ear infection she's had since march, and she seemed to be doing worse rather than better.  i took her back to the ped (actually the nurse practitioner because the ped couldn't get us in) and she pronounced the infection to be still raging in her little ears and switched her back to the antibiotic that she was on before.

i'm sick to death of these ear infections (and antibiotics) and i'm ready to get her into an ENT to talk about tubes.  my ped isn't on board with this, says it isn't warranted until she's had four ear infections within six months.  he claims she's had only two, that the first two ear infections was really one long infection.

i say that's bull, that she's had THREE ear infections in THREE months with specific periods of wellness between each one, and each new one being precipitated by a new, easily identifiable headcold.  just because he didn't personally proclaim her "healed" between infections doesn't mean it didn't happen.  and if four in six months will do, why won't two (or three) in three?

whatever.  i'm in a terrible mood today.

i'm also thinking about switching peds.  i walked out of that appointment yesterday with the NP with more information than i've ever got from the ped, and that concerns me.  she gave me some actual helpful tips (try these homeopathic ear drops/watch out this will turn her stools colors/by the way try this for that rash on her mouth from the pacifier/if you're worried about her not getting enough liquid since she won't take a bottle right now try this but don't worry until this).  all i get from her ped is 120 seconds of "yup, she has an ear infection, here's a script, no not time for a specialist yet.  no, don't worry about that.  that either.  see you next time."

not to mention there are other things we don't see eye to eye on.  he is pro-antibiotics, pro-vaccinations, pro-ferber method/crying it out.  i am anti- all of those things.

but how do you really go about finding the right ped for you?  like i have time.  i mean, peds can interview well and that doesn't mean you're going to see eye to eye later, as evidenced by our current situation.  and i don't want to ped-hop.  i don't want someone to look at Kitten's medical history and think, "why in the world did they switch peds so often?  what was that about?"  makes you look ca-razy.

this is all just a rant.  i'm behind at work and the only place i want to be right now is home in bed, and i'm not getting the rest i need at night because Kitten gets tylenol every 4 hours which means she's waking every 3.5 in pain, and i can hardly dose myself with nyquil and pass out for the night when i know that i'm going to be up multiple times trying to settle her.

oh, and J's on call this week.

so that's what i'm up to.  happy spring.

mother's day

“If you are a dreamer, come in. If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hoper, a prayer, a magic-bean-buyer.  If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire, for we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in!  Come in!”  -Shel Silverstein

8 months old, 16lbs 2 oz

where: under the piano

when: friday afternoon

likes: pulling toilet paper off the roll, opening drawers and emptying them of their contents, the dog bowl

dislikes: having her face wiped, diaper changes, squash

she takes my breath away.

thanks, mom, for making me the kind of woman

who could love her own daughter this way.

birth

i was scheduled for an induction on august 28.  i was supposed to be at the hospital that morning at 7:30 a.m. to check in.  the night before, J and i stayed up late cleaning the house, doing laundry, and getting everything in order.  i knew that we'd be having visitors after we came home and i'd be busy and tired, so we wanted everything to be clean and orderly.  we actually ended up staying up way later than we should have, but we were both excited.  around midnight we made a run to mcdonald's because i was hungry and craving one last junk food fix.  after we got home i went to bed and rested fitfully.  eventually J came to bed, too. i don't think either of us slept much before the alarm went off at 5:30 the next morning.  i even got up at 3:00 a.m. to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

i got up when the alarm went off and called st. francis to make sure that they had enough bed space for me.  the woman verified that they did and said to come on in.  then i texted my mom and my sister to let them know that everything was going ahead.  J got up and we threw our bags in the car and went.  it totally felt like we were getting ready to leave for a vacation.

i drove to the hospital, making one quick stop at starbucks on the way.  i ordered my usual - a grande decaf cinnamon dolce latte.  the girl at the window asked me when i was due and when i told her that we were on our way to the hospital right then she laughed and looked really surprised - probably because i was driving with J in the passenger seat and she assumed i was in active labor.

we got to st. francis and J videotaped me walking in.  well, wadding.  i honestly was not stressed at all.  as much as i was convinced that i'd end up with a c-section, i was not remotely worried.  i had *no* anxiety.  after all, having children is what women do.  i really just trusted my body to do what it needed, and trusted my doctor to do the rest.

we went upstairs and checked in at the window at labor and delivery.  we were in a room by 8:30a.m. the nurse came in and did some paperwork, got me into one of those hideous hospital gowns, and strapped a fetal monitor to my stomach.  by 9:00a.m. the nurse had started my iv and was running antibiotics (for the group-b strep) and a low dose of pitocin.  my doctor came by on rounds about 9:30a.m. and checked me and tried to break my water, but wasn't able to.  i was a fingertip dilated and 70% effaced. 

by 11:00a.m. i was dilated to a 3-4 and starting to be in some pain, so they gave me a shot of stadol through my iv, which TOTALLY took the edge off.  the contractions themselves weren’t that bad, but I hadn’t established a regular contraction pattern so they were just one after another with no break – like bad menstrual cramps.  it was annoying but i was still talking and snoozing through them.

around noon the nurse came into check me again and i had dilated to a good 4.  after she checked me i started leaking a little amniotic fluid, which was good because my doctor hadn't been able to break my water earlier.  later we realized she probably nicked the bag of waters when she checked me.  the pain started getting worse as the fluid was leaking because it was allowing Kitten to move down, so i got another shot of stadol.  i requested my epidural and the anesthesiologist was called.

in the next thirty minutes i kept leaking and it started really hurting for the first time.  the pain was still bearable, however, and i was able to breathe through the contractions with just a little wincing, face scrunching, and squeezing the bedrails (who needs lamaze?).  

when the anesthesiologist came in i had to sit up on the edge of the bed and they had J sit in a chair.  i put my feet in his lap and he held my hands. the anesthesiologist started working on my back and i wasn't even remotely concerned with what he was doing because i was still contracting and concentrating pretty hard on breathing through them.  that was the worst the contractions every got, and honestly they were not that bad.  i mean, they hurt, but it was nothing i couldn't handle.

and then all of the sudden my water BROKE. i was like, oh, J, my water broke, my water broke, watch out! the nurse said, "it's okay" and started grabbing some towels.  J just looked at me sort of nonplussed and i told him, "no, babe, it's going everywhere!"  about that time he realized that it really WAS going everywhere, all over his lap as it ran down my legs, and we couldn't move because the anesthesiologist had a giant needle in my spine at the time.  but luckily the fluid was clear and J was a great sport about it, and had a change of clothes with him.

the anesthesiologist finished up - it felt like it only took about sixty seconds for him to get the epidural in.  i was so distracted that i didn't feel a thing.  maybe like a tiny pinch but nothing like what i've heard some women describe.

after the anesthesiologist left, i laid back and rested.  i had about 15 more minutes of pain before the epidural kicked in, but it wasn't bad.  once it kicked in i could still move my legs and had some mobility but i was too wobbly to stand up.  

so the nurse left the room and they just kind of let the epidural and the pitocin do their job.  the nurses had a shift change and i got a new nurse who i totally *loved.*  around 2:00p.m. the nurse came in to drain my bladder with a catheter since i couldn't stand and couldn't feel anything, and i immediately dilated to a 5.  the nurse explained that the pressure of my full bladder was keeping me from dilating.  

i wasn't feeling a thing, though.  the epidural worked like a charm and i napped through most of the afternoon. the only way i could tell that i was having a contraction was by watching the contraction monitor.  i had brought a stack of cds and it was lovely to have the lights dimmed and music playing.  and it was funny to listen through my stadol-induced-haze as mom and erin discussed which cd to put in next.  "the eels?  wilco?  bright eyes?  death cab for cutie??  what ARE these?"

at one point Kitten's heart rate dropped and three nurses came in and rolled me over onto my side and gave me some oxygen to get her heart rate back up.  they all stood there pushing on my stomach to try to get Kitten to move into a better position and watching the fetal monitor.  at the time J had stepped out into the lobby to grab a bite of pizza that my visitors had ordered - i think it was the first time he had been out of the room for any significant period of time all day, and of course *that* would be when the Scary Thing happened.  i asked my sister to run and get him.  

by the time he came back in Kitten's heart rate had come back up and the nurses were gone. J pulled a chair up to the bed and held my hands for a while to calm me down.  between the adrenaline rush from the scare and the effects of the epidural, i started shaking really hard but the nurse explained that was a completely normal reaction, and it subsided in about 15 minutes and i dropped back off to sleep.  that was seriously the only tiny moment when i had any fear at all.

by 5:00p.m. i was still dilated to a 5-6 but i was 100% effaced.  the nurse pushed on my cervix some to try to get me to dilate a bit more.  

at 5:30p.m. she drained my bladder again and told me i was a solid 6.  she told me to call her if i started feeling any pressure, which i did on the very first first contraction after she left the room.  i was still in no pain but i could feel Kitten pressing down, so i watched the contraction monitor for a few contractions to see what happened.  i thought surely i couldn't be feeling pressure that quickly, so i put off calling the nurse.

the pressure got more intense (but still totally painless) and i started feeling it all over by the third or fourth contraction.  i buzzed the nurse at about 6:00p.m.  she checked me and said, "girl, you are a ten!"  i was totally shocked - i had been at a 6 only thirty minutes before.

the nurse had me push through one contraction to see how quickly the baby moved down.  i thought i would have to do this for a quite a while to move her down before the doctor was called, but she said, no, stop pushing, we're calling the doctor now.  i asked the nurse how long she thought i'd have to push, and she said, "if you can keep pushing like that you won't have to push more than 30 or 45 minutes."  i thought this was great news.  ha!

so they called in the doctor and got the room set up - things started happening fast.  the doctor came in, putting on his gown and gloves as he walked in the door, and sat down.  when everything was said and done, i started pushing a little after 7:00p.m. J was on my right and mom was on my left and erin was in the corner by the door (easy escape) with the video camera.  we watched the contraction monitor to see when i was contracting so i would know when to push, since i wasn't in any pain at all.  

the doctor announced the first contraction and i pushed once to move her down and she moved ALL the way down.  then we missed the second contraction because we were all too busy talking and joking around.  the next contraction i pushed once and her head was out, and a second time and she was born!  between pushes the doctor had me pause because she had her cord wrapped around her neck THREE TIMES. it was a crazy long cord, which my doctor said is a sign of intelligence. with it wrapped around that many times it's a miracle that her heart rate only dropped once and i didn't end up with a c-section.  sun kil moon's ghosts of the great highway was playing in the background and it was an incredibly chill and surreal moment.  i could not believe she was born, that THAT was the moment when my daughter came into my life and i was living it RIGHT THEN.  it was almost too much to absorb. 

i honestly still cannot believe how well it went.  on the video from the delivery you can see me throwing my head back on the pillow right after she was born and exclaiming, "oh my god! that was so EASY!"  everyone in the background laughed and the nurse said, "yeah, honey, that is NOT normal."

she started crying immediately and they cleaned her up in the room.  her Apgars were 8 and 9, and she was 6lbs, 11oz and 19.25 inches long with LOTS of blonde hair.  then everyone left us to ourselves.  she started breastfeeding within the first hour.  i was still in the delivery room and there were lots of people in the waiting room who had been there for a long time, and so they all came back in groups to see her.  

by 11:00p.m. we had moved to a postpartum room and the epidural had worn off so i was already walking around.  i showered and settled in while J went with Kitten to get her vitals checked and get a bath. J and Kitten came back in and the last of our visitors left around midnight.  erin and jeff brought me some taco bueno which i ate like crazy because i hadn't had anything to eat since the 3:00 a.m. PB&J.  J and I watched tv and rested with the baby. totally serene.  like being in a small, oddly shaped hotel room with a twin-size bed.

i had to stay in the hospital that night and the next night as well because they had to make sure that the group-b strep didn't affect Kitten.  we were finally discharged on saturday evening and we came home.  i really didn't mind the extra night in the hospital because i got the benefit of an extra day of having a lactation consultant available to us to help us get the hang of breastfeeding, which made a big difference.  once we got home i honestly felt terrific.  i was a little tired and a little sore, but i felt NOTHING like the trainwreck i'd been expecting.

the end.