the christmas story

as told by autumn, age 7

[enter autumn with towel and headband as Mary]

this is the story of why we celebrate christmas. one day an angel came to mary and said that she will have a baby and its name is jesus and mary did not know what to do but she was so happy and then one day she found out what to do and they moved all away to bethlehem on a donkey.

[exit autumn; reenter autumn with towel and tiara and gold belt as the Angel]

the angel said "don't fear, i'm the angel, god sent me here, i'm telling you the good news: it is that you are having a baby and its name will be jesus," and mary did not hear another sound.

[exit autumn; reenter autumn with towel and headband as Mary and Baby Alive as Jesus]

on friday she had her baby named jesus. they were all so happy. they saw him and they knew that they would call the birth christmas and jesus christ the lord.

[exit autumn; reenter as First Wise Man]

there were three wise men. the first one brought him a rock bracelet and one cool rock that standed for hope and goodness. there was an arrowhead from whenever someone shot an animal on the day that jesus was born, and there was a rock that represented christmas. jesus, i give you this.

[exit autumn; reenter as Second Wise Man]

the second wise man brought all kinds of stuff. he brought this [a key chain] which represented for christmas and for jesus. he brought a bunch of gold for jesus, too [celebration station coins], and he brought this that was really important (a woven doll shirt) that was his favorite kind of silk, and a rock that was important, and a shell from whenever his mother found it on the ground in her stable and she decided to keep it. and a marble that is a stone from the beach. and then this is shaped like a shark tooth if you hold it this way, and his mother decided to keep it because it looks like a stable, too. and another shell. i give you this, jesus christ the lord.

[exit autumn; reenter as Third Wise Man]

the third wise man brought an eye patch from long ago when pirates came. and then he brought a rock that was shaped like a heart. jesus, i present this for you. jesus christ the lord.

[exit autumn; reenter as the a Shepherd with a stick from the back yard]

there were also shepherds, they took care of sheep. and joseph helped whenever mary was taking care of jesus. but then there was other times whenever the shepherds had to do it by theirselfs because joseph didn't just herd the sheeps, he wanted to spend time with his son, too.

[exit autumn; reenter as the Angel]

that is what christmas is all about, my friend. and if you just think it's about that then it is, you're right. christmas is to celebrate giving and when jesus was born and that he was born. but soon whenever his parents were gone, they passed away. and when jesus was old, then he died. and other people started to get new. they made new stuff. and then soon indians came, and white people came. then someone else came to help them. that is what christmas is all about, my friend.

for grandma pat

the little brown school desk has been dusted, oiled, nailed and repaired and is ready for another generation of children. i thought you'd like to see it in situ at its new home:

this little child-sized roll-top desk originally came from my tahlequah grandparents. i have no idea where they got it, but it made the rounds between my sister and cousins and i during our childhoods, and then my cousin's kids had a go at it. it's a miracle it's held up so well - that's the same coat of paint it had when erin and i were banging it around circa 1989.

now it sits in autumn's room, and in a few years it will move to aislinn's room, and then...

please take note that the ellipses at the end of the previous sentence are not an invitation to conjecture upon the possibility of future offspring, which are at this time not imminently forthcoming, but i'll keep you posted.

i forgot to post the halloween outfit pictures, too

so pretend this post is dated october 31. happy halloween!

i forgot to post the raking the leaves pictures

so pretend this post is dated, like, november 4.

christmas traditions: part 3 of a 1 part series

i seriously didn't intend to start writing this much about christmas, but maybe a topical assignment was just the thing i needed to jump-start me back into this blog.

one of the most important christmas traditions in our house is not one of my favorites--but it's still one of the most important.

as most of you know, we have a split household. princess lives with us half the time, and with her mom half the time. the three of us (me, J, and princess's mom) work very, very hard to ensure that princess has a seamless transition between households. we share duties with regard to her activities, we communicate, we modify the visitation schedule liberally to accommodate each other's activities, family functions, and princess's needs. which is not to say that there aren't times that we argue, but we try to never let princess see it. ever.

even though they split up when princess was only 2 years old, she has a hard time with her parents being divorced. her 1st grade teacher actually brought this up a few months ago at parent/teacher conferences, and we were all astonished since the three of us are the MODEL of a successful co-parenting situation. but when you think about it, it makes sense that because she sees us all getting along so well that it would make perfect sense that Mommy and Daddy and Stepmommy and Princess and Kitten should all just live in one house together. i think if she saw J and her mom actually fighting, it would ironically be easier for her to grasp.

at any rate, as with any divorced household, holidays have to be split. with princess, every year one parent has her for christmas eve and morning, and the other parent gets her on christmas morning and has her christmas day.

ever since my first christmas with J, we've had a tradition where Princess's mom comes over on Christmas morning after we've exchanged gifts, either to pick up or drop off Princess, and has breakfast with us.

i'm not gonna kid you. do i want to have breakfast on christmas morning with my husband's ex-wife every year? yeah, not really. i mean, i like the woman, but christmas morning is a very intimate family time. but you should see the joy that princess gets from being able to share her excitement over this or that gift from Santa with both her parents for an hour or so on Christmas morning.

and that is what i feel is really the spirit of Christmas. setting everything else aside and giving your loved ones joy. not stuff, but joy.

and with that, i will step down from my tinsel-trimmed soapbox.

more traditions

thinking more about christmas traditions, another one of my favorites that lingers from childhood is my mom's party mix. you know, good ol' chex mix. my mom makes a crazy mean batch of party mix and everyone always wants a bag. she's famous for it in our family, and it disappears fast. you have to get there early and hide a bag of it in your purse.

i remember the party-mix-making-night when i was a kid. a few days before christmas, usually on a friday or saturday night, mom and dad would set up shop in the kitchen and make a massive batch of party mix. we're talking 5 or 6 boxes of cereal, plus tons of pretzels and nuts, many many baking sheets. mom would melt an obscene amount of butter in the microwave and she and dad stood at the bar, adding dashes of worchestershire, seasoning salt, and tabasco until it was juuuuust right. then mom would bake batches all evening long. toward the end she'd spike up the rest of the butter with a bunch of extra tabasco and make spicy batches for my dad and uncle russell. by the time she was done, you couldn't walk past the oven without your eyes watering.

christmas memories are very sensory for me. when i think about the things that really mean "christmas" to me, i think about karen carpenter on the stereo and spicy cereal on my tongue, the smell of beer in my dad's moustache as he kissed me goodnight and the feel of my mom's smooth, cool hands on my chapped cheeks.

it's influenced the way i celebrate christmas in my house, and the way i create traditions with the girls. i don't care about ornaments like jake does. he wants to keep every single little paper ornament the girls have ever come home from school with, and i'm not big on that. i can take them or leave them. jake is sentimental about those things, and that's fine, but after the fire i completely lost my ability to be attached to things--which is a point of contention in our household as i am constantly throwing things away.

but what you will find is a house full of the sounds and smells of christmas. instead of coming home from school and work and turning on the TV, i throw in christmas cds to listen to all evening long. cinnamon and vanilla scented candles burn virtually nonstop this time of year. i've been baking cinnamon rolls like crazy and i can't wait to start on gingerbread men.

these are thing, i feel, that the girls will be able to carry with them for the rest of their lives when christmas comes around, after i am gone. not the baubles and bows, but the tastes and the sounds.

traditions

my friend maria is hosting a contest on her blog this month, asking her readers to post their own blogs about their favorite christmas traditions.

i've been thinking this over for a few days, and i've come to one conclusion: my favorite christmas tradition is karen carpenter. more specifically:

i love christmas music, and i don't care how uncool that is. and when i was very small, my mom had this ONE christmas album, on tape. every december we'd unpack the christmas ornaments, and there the tape would be, year after year. at night, mom would turn the lights on the little ceramic christmas tree that always went on the dresser in the bedroom i shared with my sister. she'd put on that tape and let us fall asleep to it. i remember the feeling of barely being able to contain my excitement under the scratchy blue electric blanket with my pink care bear and strawberry shortcake sheets.

i bought the album on CD last christmas and i play it all the time around christmas. i'm sure jake wonders why i am so obsessed with a cheesy 1978 carpenter's album, but it is THE album that just screams CHRISTMASTIME!!!! to me and gives my heart back a little bit of that childhood feeling.

leftovers

today J came home from work and made himself a plate of thanksgiving leftovers. he sat it down on the coffee table and returned to the kitchen to get a glass of water - and lo and behold, Kitten followed him and got one of her forks out of her drawer and joined him for a second dinner.

oh hai. can i have some?

these noodles taste better on your plate than they did on mine:

trade me forks:

here, i'll feed you:

now i'll feed me!

daddy is the funniest.

by way of developmental updates: she says, "mama," "dada," "bye-bye," "dog," "kitty," "hi," "baby," "blanket," and "uh-oh" (her favorite). she hates bananas and meat. she loves grapes and green beans. she races up the staircase every time i leave the baby gate down. she is very attached to Lucy, her baby doll, and "flat bear," a--well, a flat stuffed bear. she takes her shoes and socks off as soon as we get into the car and throws them into the floor. she steals my cell phone and says, "hi!" into it, and then runs away shrieking. she refuses to keep any hair bow in her hair - she swats at it like a gnat. she kisses smooshy wet kisses and thinks it's hilarious. she has two teeth (finally!) - the two upper center. she points at everything she wants. she feeds valkyrie when we're not looking. she thinks the word "no" is hilarious, and does not understand when we scold her. tonight she was tossing the sorted mail off the coffee table so fast that i couldn't stop the tornado and considered throwing myself on top of all the papers just to make her stop so i could get it all picked up. she loves somersaults (with assistance from J or Princess).

i could go on and on, but i'm sure i'm boring everyone but me. but it's a nice way to track her milestones, this blog. i wish i did it more often.

fantabulously frugal

the fantabulously frugal blog is having a great giveaway! click here to enter, and be sure to mention that you read about the giveaway on my blog!

an epidemic of paranoia

i find that these days when i start to feel a little under the weather, instead of slowing down and taking it easy i go into overdrive. am i getting sick? how long will i be out of commission? is the laundry caught up? how many days worth of frozen meals are in the freezer right now? do we have a fresh gallon of milk? should i run to the store on my way home just in case?

***

all this talk about the flu has me doing a lot of thinking. i got my flu shot this year, but i get it every year. i've never talked about it this much. and i've never been afraid of having the flu before. it was just something i wanted to avoid because it would suck.

and i'm not just talking swine flu, i'm talking about ANY flu. i'm officially over it. if we get it, we get it. if we don't, we don't.

and would getting "it" be so bad, anyway? swine flu is here to stay. i expect to be getting H1N1 vaccinations along with my "seasonal" flu vaccine for years to come. if you think about why swine flu is so "scary," it's because we've never been exposed to it before and have no prior immunity. and the best way to build up immunity is - you guessed it - being exposed. natural immunity from having actually gone through the sickness provides better protection against future occurences than any vaccine can. that's straight out of my pediatrician's mouth, and it's one point that he and i agree on.

the swine flu that is going around oklahoma right now is relatively mild. yes, people are dying. yes, it's scary. but the strain that goes around next year might be twice as vicious, so i'm not going to freak out if someone in my immediate family comes down with this year's strain. they'll only be better off when the next round hits, and i'm not counting on any pharmaceutical company to come up with a magic shot for every conceivable strain of swine flu that develops over the next 100 years. might as well start building up that immunity right off the bat.

i mean, don't get me wrong. we'll vaccinate. we'll get those H1N1 shots. we'll do what They tell us that we are Supposed To Do. but i am not going to worry any more about what happens if it doesn't work, because it's not going to do a bit of good.

in the mean time, we wash hands. stick a packet of purell wipes in autumn's lunch box for her to use before she eats her sandwich. teach the girls proper sneezing (into the crook of your arm) habits and ensure that their noses are wiped and their milk glasses aren't shared and their tissues aren't left on the coffee table. in essense, the exact same things i was taught in elementary school.

***

these days, i kiss aislinn's warm, soft little cheek and wonder if i'm communicating some awful sickness to her. and then i think about the survival of the fittest. it can't be a coincidence that humans instictually kiss, touch, and cuddle those who they love most. i have my own little personal theory that we do this as an evolved habit, to share germs and bacteria and viruses (both good and bad) with those who we want to protect so that their (and our) immune systems are exposed to -- and build resistance to -- a plethora of organisms.

otherwise, when i get sick, wouldn't my first instict be to run and kiss my opposing counsel on the cheek?

***

times are scary. avian flu, swine flu, who knows what's next. monkey flu. ebola. it's a small planet and one little cough by mother nature can wipe us all out like so many brontosauri. i refuse to buy into the hype because it is a completely useless expenditure of my emotional energy. instead, i will feed my children oranges instead of orange flavored things, kiss them goodnight, and enjoy the time we have together.

we have learned how to throw tantrums

i take away a wet wipe because she's trying to eat it. she sits down with her legs sticking out, bends completely over and puts her forehead and palms flat on the floor, and SCREAMS. if i try to pick her up she wrestles out of my arms and then scurries quickly over to the other side of the room so she can lay down and repeat the scene uninterrupted.

she also refuses to be put in her car seat now.

as soon as i lift her toward the car she goes stiff as a board. so i have to wrestle her into the seat, and then she goes limp and slides her bottom all the way down so her head is on the bottom of the seat and refuses to sit up. and then while i try to prop her up all loosey goosey and put her arms through the straps, she tries to roll over onto the bench seat out of her car seat using her feet against the seat as leverage against me.

she only does this to me.

H1N1 Vaccine

for all you parents who are struggling with the decision about whether to vaccinate yourself and your child with the new H1N1 vaccine that is becoming available, i'd encourage you to take a look at this article on dr. sears' website.

dr. sears has written extensively on parenting issues, and he is my "go-to" reference for most parenting issues. i have relied on his book "The Vaccine Book" in making decisions to stagger kitten's vaccination schedule and how exactly to do so.

i also use his reference book, "The Baby Book" as my everything child-rearing reference guide. along with google, of course. ;)

dr. sears coined the phrase "attachment parenting," ("AP") and i am mostly AP parent. without going extensively into what AP is, here's the wikipedia article. my friend maria also practices AP and blogs about her experiences.

from wikipedia:

***

Per Dr. Sears' theory of attachment parenting (AP), proponents such as the API attempt to foster a secure bond with their children by promoting eight principles which are identified as goals for parents to strive for. These eight principles are:

1. Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

These values are interpreted in a variety of ways. Many attachment parents also choose to live a natural family living (NFL) lifestyle, such as natural childbirth, home birth, stay-at-home parenting, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing, homeschooling, unschooling, the anti-circumcision movement, natural health, cooperative movements,naturism and support of organic and local foods.

However, Dr. Sears does not require a parent to strictly follow any set of rules, instead encouraging parents to be creative in responding to their child's needs. Attachment parenting, outside the guise of Dr. Sears, focuses on responses that support secure attachments.

***

anyway. i thought dr. sears' H1N1 article gave a lot of relevant, useful information that i've not yet found elsewhere in such a concise manner. i hope it is helpful to you in making the decision whether or not to submit yourself and your family to this new vaccine.

"people pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. and they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead."

-edith wharton

**********************

jessie daniel maize,

33% of my cousins,

catcher of crawdads, scaler of fences, flier of kites,

professional hamster breeder,

and conductor extraordinaire,

gone gently into that good night

nine years ago this winter.

i hope god supplies strawberry crush up there, cous.

**********************

"I'm really worried that he's going to kill someone else," Patti Tate said. "I'm really afraid it's going to happen again, if he doesn't change." Tulsa World, January 15, 2006

**********************

November 10, 1999

TR-1999-4842; traffic violation; dismissed.

December 9, 2000

Tahlequah man dies of traffic injuries; tested positive at the hospital for methamphetamine, then discharged. no charges filed.

March 5, 2002

TRC-02-941; traffic violation; guilty plea.

2003

Felony drug charge, possession of methamphetamine, dismissed and record expunged.

Misdemeanor driving under the influence; dismissed and record expunged without input from prosecutor.

August 11, 2004

PO-2004-0236; protective order; dismissed.

2004

Felony drug charge, possession of methamphetamine and paraphernalia, dismissed and record expunged.

Driving under the influence, probation received and record expunged.

Driving under suspension, probation received and record expunged.

Transporting a loaded firearm (Ruger pistol), probation received and record expunged.

January 15, 2006

Legal luck raises questions

January 19, 2006

Grandson of ex-politician will finally stand trial

January 21, 2006

Trial date set for grandson of ex-senator

February 25, 2006

Probation given ex-lawmaker's grandson

January 13, 2009

CM-09-38; public intoxication; charges pending.

February 20, 2009

CM-09-204; driving under the influence; charges pending.

September 8, 2009

TRC-09-1788; driving under suspension; charges pending.

TRC-09-1789; driving left of center; charges pending.

TRC-09-1790; no security verification; charges pending.

TRC-09-1791; failure to install or disconnect required ignition interlock device; charges pending.

September 24, 2009

TRC-09-1920: driving under suspension; charges pending.

and then today

October 16, 2009

Helicopter crash near Tahlequah leaves two dead

**********************

Wake

Tell all my mourners

To mourn in red--

Cause there ain't no sense

In my bein' dead.

-Langston Hughes

an open letter to my blog

hi, blog. how are you doing? i'm sorry i haven't been around here much the past few months. my life has just been very busy. i know that's no good excuse. after all, you're the way that i share my life with so many of my friends and family.

but it's just been crazy. first i wrecked my car, and then kitten had tubes in her ears again, and then we had the girl's birthday party. in between all of that J decided to take a new job within his company, so we had to go buy a car to replace the one that i wrecked. we bought a used prius and we're pretty excited about it. it smells strongly of cigarette smoke, but we're hoping to get it aired out well. and since it's J's commuter car, it was his call and he said it didn't bother him that much. it has a whole lot of miles but we got a really good price and we weren't really looking to buy a new car right now, anyway. circumstances just put us in that position.

and after all, the only thing more ecologically friendly than buying a hybrid car is buying a USED hybrid car.

work has been crazy too. things are going well in my practice, but it is very stressful being out on your own. you never know how much next month's paycheck will be, so i'm always thinking about account balances and payments and ten trillion other financial things. and you know i hate math.

as you know, blog, i used to love sitting on the computer in the evenings. i'd watch tv and surf the internet, edit photographs and post them, and write blogs. it was a creative outlet for me.

but lately, i've become really averse to technology. the last thing i want to do in the evenings is be on the computer. i'm not really watching much tv anymore, either. on fridays i dutifully pack up my laptop to bring it home for the weekend, but i really don't even care anymore. it barely makes it out of my briefcase most of the time.

because having a toddler is tiring, blog! where i used to spend my evenings and weekends cooking and watching my favorite shows and movies and going out to dinner with J and hanging out with friends, now i do laundry. lots of laundry.

and picking up toys. blocks. plastic shapes. flutes. balls. noise makers. baby dolls. puzzle pieces. my ankles are worse for the wear.

and giving of baths. and laying out of clothes for the next day. and packing lunches. and doing dishes. and paying bills. OH the bills.

and when it's all done, it's an accomplishment if i have the energy to take a shower and blow dry my hair instead of just going to bed with it wet and then it sticks out insanely the next day like winona ryder's character lydia deetz in beetlejuice.

and interestingly, as i've receded from electronics, i find i've been picking up my old books more. just in the last week i've read john fowles' "The French Lieutenant's Woman," and re-read his first effort, "The Collector."

the point is, blog, i think i've overextended myself with my online obligations. too many social networking sites, too many message boards, too much virtual interaction. i can't keep up with it all. i need to pare down. the effort to streamline my social information so that it goes 10 places at once and reaches everyone with no effort has instead resulted in way too many websites that i have to log into each day and check. as a result, i don't log into any of them at all. and then i'm feeling guilty because i haven't posted pictures of the girls' birthday party yet, but that's because i haven't photoshopped them yet, and that's because they're still in the freaking camera because instead of photoshopping pictures of them i'd rather BE with them and then after that i just want to ... sleep?

but don't worry, blog. i'm not going to abandon you. i just need to take a little bit more of a break. i'll be back.

when the chaos subsides, this sheep will return to the fold.

princess and the new ipod

who needs coffee when...

my darling

happy first birthday, little one

Go back to sleep now
My darlin
And I'll keep all the bad dreams away
Breathe now, think sweet things
And I'll think of all the right words to say

Because we made you
My darlin
With the love in each of our hearts
We were a family, my darlin
Right from the start

Grow up now
My darlin
Please don't you grow up too fast
And be sure, darlin
To make all the good times last

Because we made you
My darlin
With the love in each of our hearts
We were a family, my darlin
Right from the start

-My Darling by Wilco

from the album Summerteeth

wrecking havoc

i know the correct term is "wreaking havoc," but you'll see and this post is going to be run-on sentence style because that's fastest and i'm all about efficiency these days oh yes i am mmm hmm.

monday i totaled jake's grand am. first car accident of my life. CAVEAT: (1) in high school i backed out of my mom's driveway and directly into a gigantic pile of sand that had been delivered overnight because we were pouring some concrete. hey it wasn't there when i parked and i didn't even think anyone would know until mom called me later and told me there was a big imprint of my bumper in the side of the pile do you not look where you're going when you're backing out this is why i told you not to lay down your seat so far i know you think it looks cool but it's not safe; (2) also in high school i backed into the dumpster at stop & shop while whipping around a little too quickly because the cops had just showed up and i needed to evacuate the premises in short order but my mom reads this blog so i won't elaborate further on that event; (3) in college i backed into one of the supporting posts for the carport at my apartment (the "melrose place" apartments behind the metro diner, for you TU alums - sadly those buildings are all grassy knoll now) and it banged up my rear quarter panel; and (4),(5) i did no. 3 on three separate occasions until my mom forbade me to park there anymore but in my defense one time it was icy and one time it was hailing so i consider myself not entirely culpable.

but none of those were really wrecks considering none involved other cars just inanimate objects and all involved me going in reverse and less than 5 mph and all happened while i was under 21 and anything that happens when you're under 21 doesn't go on your Permanent Record of Life.

monday i had a wreck wreck.

it was one of those super productive days and i was feeling way too proud of myself to begin with so i'll just smack myself on the hand with a ruler for that right up front. i'd gone to the office and gotten a ton of stuff done and not gone to perez hilton ONE TIME ALL MORNING. around 1pm i left the office and ran to pick up my new notarial stamp and then i went to wal-mart to pick up some milk and some mums and some water sealant for the hot tub.

i left wal-mart and was headed south on riverside to pick up Kitten when i decided to turn left on 91st and go up to that lowe's there because i wanted a trellis for a mandevilla vine that's been languishing on my back porch flailing about and begging for support all summer.

so i got into the left-hand turn lane and started to turn left when *SMACK!* this girl came flying into my passenger side.

technically i turned left in front of her. technically i was (am) positive that i had a protected green arrow to do so. technically she was speeding fast enough to spin my car all the way around twice. technically neither one of us was ticketed. technically the stoplight started blinking red on all sides shortly after the accident because it was on the fritz and i'm suspicious that it caused the accident.

when the airbag deployed i had no idea what was going on. i knew i'd been hit, and then the world went white and i could feel the car spinning around and around and it the jarring impact hurt all over and i thought i was gawnna die. i am serious. Kitten's face went flashing before my eyes. when the car stopped i still couldn't see anything and didn't know why but then the airbag started deflating.

i looked down at my lap and felt for my legs with my hands and they appeared to be there. my face hurt like crazy from the airbag so i started to pull down the rearview mirror to look but then i stopped because it hurt so bad i was afraid to see so i touched my face all over and then looked at my hands and there was no blood so i went ahead and looked in the mirror because i had to look and was amazed to see i looked fine. it was a terrifying feeling i hope to never have again because for a few seconds i thought for sure that i was very seriously hurt and it was horrifying in the very literal sense of the word.

then people started running up to me and to the other woman, someone called 911, firetrucks and EMSA and police arrived and there was mass chaos and it was great.

one of the first guys to run up to my car didn't have a shirt on. like, what? where is your shirt, man, it's 2:00p.m. on a tuesday. and he's all freaking out, and i'm remarkably calm at this point. he asked me what day it was, and i was like, "uh, monday." and he said, "yeah, yeah. it's monday. uh, i really have no idea what to do so uh are you okay? uh this is like crazy!" and he's all jumping around and i'm calming him down, saying, "it will be fine, has someone called 911? i'm fine, it will be fine."

then the paramedics get there and they can't get my door open because she hit me so hard on the passenger side that the whole front of the car is gone and even the driver's side is crumpled and there's milk exploded all over the dashboard and my hands are BURNING LIKE THEY ARE ON FIRE and at that point my concern became my hands because i could NOT figure out what was going on with them and i'm all "my hands, my hands, my hands" but the paramedic explained that i had airbag burns because of the airbag rushing out so quickly past my hands on the steering wheel, it's a friction burn. that frigging hurt like a son of a gun and i still have big dark red burns on the webbing between my thumb and forefinger where was gripping the wheel when it deployed.

and i look down at the passenger seat and my cell phone WHICH I WAS NOT TALKING ON, I WAS LISTENING TO NPR is sitting right there plain as day where it always is like, "hi! i am your blackberry and i am here for you" so i called jake. i said, "uh, i was just in a pretty big accident" and he thought i said, "i just saw a pretty big accident" so he got momentarily annoyed that i was calling him at work to tell him that, until what i said registered with him and then questions are flying at me, am i okay, where am i, etc. etc., and i started crying for the first and only time because i love him.

and then people are freaking out because i've got an empty car seat in the back seat (thank GOD Kitten was NOT with me) and they're all ma'am WHERE'S YOUR BABY WHERE IS YOUR BABY and i'm like she's at daycare jaysus do you not think that would be the FIRST THING I WOULD HAVE SAID IF SHE WAS WITH ME oh my god i would NOT be sitting here worrying about my hands i would be flying about protecting her little soul like the mother wolf i am.

then EMSA is trying to figure out whether i need to be transported and initially i said no but i could hear the paramedics talking about me like i wasn't SITTING RIGHT THERE and they're all "yeah, she's declining transport yeah i know I'M GOING TO DEFINITELY HAVE HER SIGN A WAIVER, ma'am are you SURE you don't want to be transported ARE YOU SURE," and i'm like okay fine yes transport me and yeah i do kind of see their point because by this time probably ten or fifteen minutes have passed and i've still not seen any reason to get up out of my crumpled up car i'm just kind of sitting in the exact same position trying to figure out what just HAPPENED TO ME.

so then they bring in this torturous evil c-collar for my neck and strap me to a wooden back board and i'm all wearing a skirt and it's fabulously ladylike and graceful and J pulls up and walks up to my car and the poor guy the look on his face was not comforting at all he looked at me like i have three heads and he doesn't say anything at all and i find myself again comforting someone else.

and then they load me up in the ambulance and take me to st. francis where they put me on a bed still on the DAMN wooden back board and leave me there in the room A-LONE for FOR-EVER and i have to go to the bathroom and i'm getting really, really mad and my mom gets there and i am like so incredibly short with her and J because i'm like WHERE ARE THE NURSES I WANT MY LEGS UNSTRAPPED AND I WANT OFF THIS BOARD.

so long story short four hours later and a CT scan of my neck and an x-ray of my chest and i'm discharged with some pain meds. the other woman, who was 38 weeks pregnant (i can't even go there, omg, so glad she is okay) is just fine.

i have got a FABULOUS dark red seat belt burn that goes from my upper left neck to my lower right stomach and a big old bruise on my left knee from where it hit the dashboard because i have to scoot my seat all the way up to drive because my legs are so short. i have a bruise on the back of my head from laying on that stupid wooden back board for so long and a bruise on my left temple from who knows what. and every muscle in my body is sore. it's like i had the toughest workout of my life except i didn't i just hurt like i did so i feel pretty gipped on that front because god knows i need a workout.

SO.

no more grand am. we haven't decided whether we'll replace it right away. J has his work truck for now, although he's seriously contemplating going back to a desk job within his company and if that happens in the next few weeks then of course we will have to acquire him an auto-mo-beel. but for now payments on one grand cherokee with crappy mileage is still cheaper than payments on two cars regardless of mileage so we're going to take it slow and see what we sees when we sees it.

the end.

hi!

more tomorrow. maybe.

EDITED:

okay that post was lame. here's more:

1. i moved my office and it was stressful and july but now i'm in my new location and it's great but the visibility is much lower so i'm trying to keep the foot traffic up which is contributing to my stratospheric stress levels which is why i haven't been blogging.

2. kitten will be ONE YEAR OLD on the 28th! can't believe it. throwing a joint birthday party for the girls. i had several conversations with princess wherein i impressed upon her that she did NOT have to have a joint party, that her birthday is *her* day so if she wants her own party that's fine, but she is soooooo excited to have a party together with her sister.

becoming a mom is the best thing that's ever happened to me and i LOVE it.

3. kitten is sooooooo close to walking. she'll stand, squat, go up and down, but she's not ready to take a step yet. she never has a bad day. of course she's fussy and impatient when she's tired, but she never throws a fit and never has a bad mood that a bottle and a nap can't fix. she loves food and has already learned to pick out the yellow and orange vegetables from among the green ones. she is affectionate and loving and reaches out to hop from arm to arm of the people around her. she has never met someone who wasn't a friend. she is reckless and spends her evenings climbing up and down every which way from the couch where jake and i sit.

4. jake's been traveling for work, now he's back and he mowed the back yard which is great because the mosquitoes had begun infiltrating the house.

5. gatsby got into a scrap and now i have to take him to the vet which is a MAJOR undertaking as i have to sedate him before we leave the house and then they have to knock him completely out once we get there just for a routine annual check up. this will certainly set me back at least $200.

6. princess starts first grade on thursday. i can't believe it. when i play the piano she dances around the room singing made-up songs to herself and swirling a dish towel around in the air like a colorful silk scarf. she spends twenty minutes on her hair every morning and then carefully spritzes her wrists with the tiny bottle of Warm Vanilla Sugar body splash from Bath & Body Works that i gave her. she is breathtakingly patient, sensitive, and intelligent.

7. here's a lullaby that princess wrote a few months ago for kitten:

Go to sleeq

klows your eays

I will snugel you

up in your bed

title littele

babby I will

seeg for you good

night littele

babby. I love you

Kittens ferst lolbly

by Princess

these kids are the best.

wake up, wake up, wake up, it's the first of the month

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ALLOWED ON THE COFFEE TABLE

a tantrum in nine parts

I.  Repudiation

II. Realization

III. Argumentation

IV. Frustration

V. Intervention

VI. Abandoned on the Floor and NO ONE LOVES ME

VII.  Abdication

VIII.  Exoneration

IX.  Fin.

my cat hates you

we have these animals that live in our house.  share our living space.  

shed.

back when i was in college it seemed like a great idea to get a little indoor kitten to cuddle with at night and sit in my lap while i studied.  simultaneously, somewhere on the other side of tulsa county, J and his ex-wife were childless and it seemed like a great idea to get a little indoor puppy to play fetch with and ... do whatever else you do with dogs.  i don't know, because i'm not a dog person.

seven years passed, and worlds collided.

gatsby.  gatsby hates you.  but don't feel bad.  gatsby hates me, too.  gatsby hates indiscriminately and with the inimitable contempt conveyed only by cats.  we are here only for gatsby's pleasure, to scratch him when he feels like being scratched.  the rest of the time, you and i can scratch off.

valkyrie.  valkyrie loves you.  valkyrie loves me, too.  the feeling is not entirely mutual.  valkyrie licks and i can't stand it.  valkyrie is overeager.  she wants to sleep in your lap.  she doesn't care that it's one hundred degrees outside.  valkyrie smells like burned scrambled eggs.  

when i think about a dog i'd like to have, i imagine a giant saint bernard who naps quietly fireside as i stroke his head and read my book, and who disappears the rest of the time.  and doesn't lick.  essentially a giant cat.  i don't need a dog, i need a tiger.

[digression: i just noticed that the television automatically switched from the music station to spongebob squarepants because J is DVR'ing it for autumn on TWO different channels.  IS THIS MY LIFE.]

but valkyrie is a good guard dog.  she's only 15lbs, but she's fracking loud, and antsy and skittish, so she doesn't miss a thing.  which is nice when J's gone at night, albeit annoying as all get out the rest of the time.  and i will admit to, on occasion, inviting her to sleep on the bed when J's gone, except that she takes this as an invitation to burrow under the covers and become dead to the world, totally useless.

valkyrie is a scavenger.  miniature pinschers are a rat terrier breed of dog.  when we moved into this house i posted about how irritated i was that she was turning our yard into a series of giant culverts, trying to unearth a mole or a gopher or whatever.

and then this turned up.  knock me over with a feather, right?

Exhibit 1: mole or gopher

it almost made me forgive her for turning our back yard into this:

Exhibit 2: culvertization

i am now of the opinion that everyone with a small child should have an indoor dog because valkyrie waits with such rapt patience at the foot of kitten's chair to immediately recover each tiny morsel of dropped food.  that's gross, but i don't care.  you can't imagine the time saved by not having to sweep after every meal.

Exhibit 3: 

isn't it cute the way kitten hooks her toes on the edge of the tray?

as i was mentally composing this post this morning while i fed kitten breakfast, the following occurred:

Exhibit 4: this morning

there are a multitude of things going on in this picture.  first we have the sleepy-eyed kitten--for once the innocent bystander--eating her banana and cheerios.  

Exhibit 4: continued

and then there's gatsby (who hates us).  he has just smacked the cereal box onto the floor with his front paw.  see how he's watching the minion below to see what unfolds?

Exhibit 4: continued

valkyrie has JUMPED INTO ACTION and is frantically cleaning as many cheerios as she can before i swat her away.  she has a pavlovian response that kicks in when she's eating human food, making her paranoid and jumpy.  as opposed to the rest of the time, when she's just paranoid and jumpy.

exhausted from his activities, gatsby reclines for a nap:

Exhibit 5: supreme indifference, thirty seconds later

so there you have it.  i let the dog clean my floor, and my cat sleeps on the kitchen table.  it's worth pointing out that i swiffer my floor once a week, and i wipe down the table before each meal.  my mom won't find this to be remotely redeeming because in her mind indoor animals are universally verboten, as evidenced by my hamster-free childhood.  

but i'm not holding back.  welcome to my life.