wrecking havoc

i know the correct term is "wreaking havoc," but you'll see and this post is going to be run-on sentence style because that's fastest and i'm all about efficiency these days oh yes i am mmm hmm.

monday i totaled jake's grand am. first car accident of my life. CAVEAT: (1) in high school i backed out of my mom's driveway and directly into a gigantic pile of sand that had been delivered overnight because we were pouring some concrete. hey it wasn't there when i parked and i didn't even think anyone would know until mom called me later and told me there was a big imprint of my bumper in the side of the pile do you not look where you're going when you're backing out this is why i told you not to lay down your seat so far i know you think it looks cool but it's not safe; (2) also in high school i backed into the dumpster at stop & shop while whipping around a little too quickly because the cops had just showed up and i needed to evacuate the premises in short order but my mom reads this blog so i won't elaborate further on that event; (3) in college i backed into one of the supporting posts for the carport at my apartment (the "melrose place" apartments behind the metro diner, for you TU alums - sadly those buildings are all grassy knoll now) and it banged up my rear quarter panel; and (4),(5) i did no. 3 on three separate occasions until my mom forbade me to park there anymore but in my defense one time it was icy and one time it was hailing so i consider myself not entirely culpable.

but none of those were really wrecks considering none involved other cars just inanimate objects and all involved me going in reverse and less than 5 mph and all happened while i was under 21 and anything that happens when you're under 21 doesn't go on your Permanent Record of Life.

monday i had a wreck wreck.

it was one of those super productive days and i was feeling way too proud of myself to begin with so i'll just smack myself on the hand with a ruler for that right up front. i'd gone to the office and gotten a ton of stuff done and not gone to perez hilton ONE TIME ALL MORNING. around 1pm i left the office and ran to pick up my new notarial stamp and then i went to wal-mart to pick up some milk and some mums and some water sealant for the hot tub.

i left wal-mart and was headed south on riverside to pick up Kitten when i decided to turn left on 91st and go up to that lowe's there because i wanted a trellis for a mandevilla vine that's been languishing on my back porch flailing about and begging for support all summer.

so i got into the left-hand turn lane and started to turn left when *SMACK!* this girl came flying into my passenger side.

technically i turned left in front of her. technically i was (am) positive that i had a protected green arrow to do so. technically she was speeding fast enough to spin my car all the way around twice. technically neither one of us was ticketed. technically the stoplight started blinking red on all sides shortly after the accident because it was on the fritz and i'm suspicious that it caused the accident.

when the airbag deployed i had no idea what was going on. i knew i'd been hit, and then the world went white and i could feel the car spinning around and around and it the jarring impact hurt all over and i thought i was gawnna die. i am serious. Kitten's face went flashing before my eyes. when the car stopped i still couldn't see anything and didn't know why but then the airbag started deflating.

i looked down at my lap and felt for my legs with my hands and they appeared to be there. my face hurt like crazy from the airbag so i started to pull down the rearview mirror to look but then i stopped because it hurt so bad i was afraid to see so i touched my face all over and then looked at my hands and there was no blood so i went ahead and looked in the mirror because i had to look and was amazed to see i looked fine. it was a terrifying feeling i hope to never have again because for a few seconds i thought for sure that i was very seriously hurt and it was horrifying in the very literal sense of the word.

then people started running up to me and to the other woman, someone called 911, firetrucks and EMSA and police arrived and there was mass chaos and it was great.

one of the first guys to run up to my car didn't have a shirt on. like, what? where is your shirt, man, it's 2:00p.m. on a tuesday. and he's all freaking out, and i'm remarkably calm at this point. he asked me what day it was, and i was like, "uh, monday." and he said, "yeah, yeah. it's monday. uh, i really have no idea what to do so uh are you okay? uh this is like crazy!" and he's all jumping around and i'm calming him down, saying, "it will be fine, has someone called 911? i'm fine, it will be fine."

then the paramedics get there and they can't get my door open because she hit me so hard on the passenger side that the whole front of the car is gone and even the driver's side is crumpled and there's milk exploded all over the dashboard and my hands are BURNING LIKE THEY ARE ON FIRE and at that point my concern became my hands because i could NOT figure out what was going on with them and i'm all "my hands, my hands, my hands" but the paramedic explained that i had airbag burns because of the airbag rushing out so quickly past my hands on the steering wheel, it's a friction burn. that frigging hurt like a son of a gun and i still have big dark red burns on the webbing between my thumb and forefinger where was gripping the wheel when it deployed.

and i look down at the passenger seat and my cell phone WHICH I WAS NOT TALKING ON, I WAS LISTENING TO NPR is sitting right there plain as day where it always is like, "hi! i am your blackberry and i am here for you" so i called jake. i said, "uh, i was just in a pretty big accident" and he thought i said, "i just saw a pretty big accident" so he got momentarily annoyed that i was calling him at work to tell him that, until what i said registered with him and then questions are flying at me, am i okay, where am i, etc. etc., and i started crying for the first and only time because i love him.

and then people are freaking out because i've got an empty car seat in the back seat (thank GOD Kitten was NOT with me) and they're all ma'am WHERE'S YOUR BABY WHERE IS YOUR BABY and i'm like she's at daycare jaysus do you not think that would be the FIRST THING I WOULD HAVE SAID IF SHE WAS WITH ME oh my god i would NOT be sitting here worrying about my hands i would be flying about protecting her little soul like the mother wolf i am.

then EMSA is trying to figure out whether i need to be transported and initially i said no but i could hear the paramedics talking about me like i wasn't SITTING RIGHT THERE and they're all "yeah, she's declining transport yeah i know I'M GOING TO DEFINITELY HAVE HER SIGN A WAIVER, ma'am are you SURE you don't want to be transported ARE YOU SURE," and i'm like okay fine yes transport me and yeah i do kind of see their point because by this time probably ten or fifteen minutes have passed and i've still not seen any reason to get up out of my crumpled up car i'm just kind of sitting in the exact same position trying to figure out what just HAPPENED TO ME.

so then they bring in this torturous evil c-collar for my neck and strap me to a wooden back board and i'm all wearing a skirt and it's fabulously ladylike and graceful and J pulls up and walks up to my car and the poor guy the look on his face was not comforting at all he looked at me like i have three heads and he doesn't say anything at all and i find myself again comforting someone else.

and then they load me up in the ambulance and take me to st. francis where they put me on a bed still on the DAMN wooden back board and leave me there in the room A-LONE for FOR-EVER and i have to go to the bathroom and i'm getting really, really mad and my mom gets there and i am like so incredibly short with her and J because i'm like WHERE ARE THE NURSES I WANT MY LEGS UNSTRAPPED AND I WANT OFF THIS BOARD.

so long story short four hours later and a CT scan of my neck and an x-ray of my chest and i'm discharged with some pain meds. the other woman, who was 38 weeks pregnant (i can't even go there, omg, so glad she is okay) is just fine.

i have got a FABULOUS dark red seat belt burn that goes from my upper left neck to my lower right stomach and a big old bruise on my left knee from where it hit the dashboard because i have to scoot my seat all the way up to drive because my legs are so short. i have a bruise on the back of my head from laying on that stupid wooden back board for so long and a bruise on my left temple from who knows what. and every muscle in my body is sore. it's like i had the toughest workout of my life except i didn't i just hurt like i did so i feel pretty gipped on that front because god knows i need a workout.

SO.

no more grand am. we haven't decided whether we'll replace it right away. J has his work truck for now, although he's seriously contemplating going back to a desk job within his company and if that happens in the next few weeks then of course we will have to acquire him an auto-mo-beel. but for now payments on one grand cherokee with crappy mileage is still cheaper than payments on two cars regardless of mileage so we're going to take it slow and see what we sees when we sees it.

the end.