busy

sorry i've been absent lately.  i've been SOOOOO busy getting back to work.  running your own office isn't easy.  i think it took me three hours to send out my first faxed letter.  i mean, i went to write the letter like always, but then i realized i didn't have a letterhead.  so i had do design one.  then i printed out the letter and signed it, and then - then - there was no secretary to hand it to!  and then i realized i had no fax coversheet, either, so i had do design one of THOSE, and then figure out how to work the fax machine, and then (since this was a new client) i had to OPEN THE FILE BY MYSELF, which took FOR-EV-ER.  omg.  hail to the secretaries of the world, i salute you.  we'll see how long i can limp by without clerical support.

kitten is doing crazy great, but being away from her during the day is hard.  and by the time i pick her up, i'm worn out, she's worn out, and we just lay on the couch watching tv and cuddling.  i'm totally experiencing the whole feminist/mother/guilt thing.  i've heard it described as "stereophonic guilt":  when you're at home, you feel guilty that you're not at work making money for your family; when you're at work, you feel guilty that you're not at home spending time with your child.  it's totally true, and gives me a sick-to-my-stomach feeling.  oh, that i were independently wealthy.

i am lucky that kitten isn't in daycare yet - every day i meet my stepdad at 7:30 a.m. and he takes her home with him for the day (he works for IBM remotely from home when he's not traveling).  my grandmother comes over each morning and she takes care of kitten all day, and my stepdad is there in case she needs back-up support.  it's sort of a convoluted arrangement, especially since mom and stepdad live 40 minutes away so we each drive 20 minutes each morning and evening to do the drop-off.  BUT we are INCREDIBLY lucky that my grandma and stepdad can do this for us, however long it lasts (taking care of an infant can be exhausting for anyone, so we'll see how long my grandma's energy holds out).  

every day that Kitten does not have to be in a daycare is an extra day that my mind is at peace.  well, relatively at peace. it's never totally at peace unless i'm holding her.  well, even then not totally.  i supposed now that i have a child, my mind will never totally be at peace again.

anyway, that day will come, and i need to get a start on figuring out where she will go at that point.  when i figured out that i wasn't going to have to put her in daycare right away due to the above-described arrangement, i kind of blocked the daycare issue from my mind.  but i need to revisit it, because this won't last forever.

maybe my sister and her husband will have a baby soon and she'll quit working and come be my office assistant/nanny.

oh, did i type that out loud?  oops.