my cat hates you

we have these animals that live in our house.  share our living space.  

shed.

back when i was in college it seemed like a great idea to get a little indoor kitten to cuddle with at night and sit in my lap while i studied.  simultaneously, somewhere on the other side of tulsa county, J and his ex-wife were childless and it seemed like a great idea to get a little indoor puppy to play fetch with and ... do whatever else you do with dogs.  i don't know, because i'm not a dog person.

seven years passed, and worlds collided.

gatsby.  gatsby hates you.  but don't feel bad.  gatsby hates me, too.  gatsby hates indiscriminately and with the inimitable contempt conveyed only by cats.  we are here only for gatsby's pleasure, to scratch him when he feels like being scratched.  the rest of the time, you and i can scratch off.

valkyrie.  valkyrie loves you.  valkyrie loves me, too.  the feeling is not entirely mutual.  valkyrie licks and i can't stand it.  valkyrie is overeager.  she wants to sleep in your lap.  she doesn't care that it's one hundred degrees outside.  valkyrie smells like burned scrambled eggs.  

when i think about a dog i'd like to have, i imagine a giant saint bernard who naps quietly fireside as i stroke his head and read my book, and who disappears the rest of the time.  and doesn't lick.  essentially a giant cat.  i don't need a dog, i need a tiger.

[digression: i just noticed that the television automatically switched from the music station to spongebob squarepants because J is DVR'ing it for autumn on TWO different channels.  IS THIS MY LIFE.]

but valkyrie is a good guard dog.  she's only 15lbs, but she's fracking loud, and antsy and skittish, so she doesn't miss a thing.  which is nice when J's gone at night, albeit annoying as all get out the rest of the time.  and i will admit to, on occasion, inviting her to sleep on the bed when J's gone, except that she takes this as an invitation to burrow under the covers and become dead to the world, totally useless.

valkyrie is a scavenger.  miniature pinschers are a rat terrier breed of dog.  when we moved into this house i posted about how irritated i was that she was turning our yard into a series of giant culverts, trying to unearth a mole or a gopher or whatever.

and then this turned up.  knock me over with a feather, right?

Exhibit 1: mole or gopher

it almost made me forgive her for turning our back yard into this:

Exhibit 2: culvertization

i am now of the opinion that everyone with a small child should have an indoor dog because valkyrie waits with such rapt patience at the foot of kitten's chair to immediately recover each tiny morsel of dropped food.  that's gross, but i don't care.  you can't imagine the time saved by not having to sweep after every meal.

Exhibit 3: 

isn't it cute the way kitten hooks her toes on the edge of the tray?

as i was mentally composing this post this morning while i fed kitten breakfast, the following occurred:

Exhibit 4: this morning

there are a multitude of things going on in this picture.  first we have the sleepy-eyed kitten--for once the innocent bystander--eating her banana and cheerios.  

Exhibit 4: continued

and then there's gatsby (who hates us).  he has just smacked the cereal box onto the floor with his front paw.  see how he's watching the minion below to see what unfolds?

Exhibit 4: continued

valkyrie has JUMPED INTO ACTION and is frantically cleaning as many cheerios as she can before i swat her away.  she has a pavlovian response that kicks in when she's eating human food, making her paranoid and jumpy.  as opposed to the rest of the time, when she's just paranoid and jumpy.

exhausted from his activities, gatsby reclines for a nap:

Exhibit 5: supreme indifference, thirty seconds later

so there you have it.  i let the dog clean my floor, and my cat sleeps on the kitchen table.  it's worth pointing out that i swiffer my floor once a week, and i wipe down the table before each meal.  my mom won't find this to be remotely redeeming because in her mind indoor animals are universally verboten, as evidenced by my hamster-free childhood.  

but i'm not holding back.  welcome to my life.