in the spirit of thanks giving

a couple of evenings ago i was sitting on my couch, mindlessly surfing facebook and drinking white zinfandel like any self-respecting middle-class mother. i got a pop-up notification that i had been tagged in a photo by my sister and i clicked through to the picture. when i realized it was from the mid 90s i fell out into full on panic.

every time someone gets a scanner i know right away, because they start posting pictures on freaking facebook that are better left to the decoupaged photo albums of the past. some things are just not meant to be digital. specifically, ALL of my college experience. my MOM is on facebook, mkay -- AND my GRANDMA. the thought of someone coming across a bunch of university of tulsa sigma chi auction afterparty pics circa 2000 fills me with terror. problem is, deactivating my facebook account still won't stop people from tagging me.

so i start frantically instant messaging my sister. STOP TAGGING ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? STOP TAGGING MEEEEEEEEEE!!! i had no idea what sort of arsenal she had up her sleeve. she was all, "geez, what's the big deal?" the picture she posted wasn't as incriminating as some of my other nerd-era pics, but the fear of what might be in her upload queue right that minute was paralyzing.

luckily my sister is understanding and not at all vindictive, even though i did once slap her across the face for hiding my Care-Bear in the laundry hamper. i'm touchy; she's a punk. we have an understanding.

she said she wouldn't post any more pictures of me without my express prior approval.

*****

yesterday i took another look at the picture:

[yes, blogger's bad formatting is driving me crazy, too. i don't have the time or patience to sort it out.]

this was 1996. mom and dad were 38. erin was 14, and i was weeks shy of 16. we were in florida at disney world. according to my sister (who had the photo album in her lap when she was scanning this picture), this is the only picture from the whole trip where i wasn't scowling into the camera. i wasn't exactly a peach to raise through adolescence. ironically my sister got away with a lot more stuff - she just learned from my poor example to keep her mouth shut.

four months before this picture was taken, our house burned down in a grassfire. two months after this picture was taken, my dad died suddenly. i'm not going to blog about that, but it was the defining, awfulest, most wretched moment of my life and totally changed where i was going and who i became.

*****

last week i was in mediation training wednesday, thursday, and friday. when you're a self-employed lawyer, it's pretty damn hard to be out of the office for three days in a row. especially when the next week is a holiday week and you're going to be out even more.

i think i'm coming down with something. tonight i feel like crap. i've been so stressed about being out of the office and getting behind that i've been waking up in a cold sweat at 5:00 a.m. now i'm getting sick. this is a self-fulfilling, circular problem. for the last ten days i've been trying to figure out how to take off as little time possible for thanksgiving. i can take off all day wednesday if jake stays home with kitten, and i can probably get away with working all day friday as well if i pick up a pre-made pecan pie to take to a second gathering on saturday, and maybe i can come in for a few hours on sunday as well.....

i mentioned this to a co-worker today who looked at me like i was mad and told me to appreciate what i've got while i've still got it. i blew it off at the time, but then i came home tonight and ran across that picture on facebook again.

*****

i struggle to balance the needs of my clients with the needs of my family. i'm a divorce attorney which ranks pretty much in the lowest of the low when it comes to other people's perceptions of my ethics. but i represent real people with real, urgent needs - and more importantly, who have real, vulnerable children. i have peers who seem to leave work at the office with ease, but it is a huge struggle for me to leave work everyday knowing that things are left unfinished. on the other hand, it is also a huge struggle for me to take my child to daycare everyday to go solve the problems of other parents while my daughter is cared for by someone else. it's a no-win situation and a zero-sum game: i want to protect other children/i want to be with my daughter all the time/i want to provide for my daughter and send her to college/i don't want to pawn her off on childcare providers because raising her is my privilege and my responsibility. it's stereophonic mommy guilt: i get it coming and going.

*****

i have made a decision. i am taking off work tomorrow at noon. while my daughter naps, i am going to bake two pecan pies with vanilla bean cream anglaise, a nantucket cranberry pie, and a huge batch of cranberry sauce. i am going to wrap my mother's birthday present and watch tv with my husband in front of the fire that he builds. i am going to take some vitamin c and go to bed early.

on thursday i am going to spend time with J's family and be thankful for the great cousins and wonderful grandparents that kitten and princess have. i am going to spend time with my mom and stepdad and be thankful that she has found love again with a wonderful man and that her home is full of their grandchildren, my stepsiblings, and laughter.

and then on saturday i'm going to spend time with my dad's family, because Thanksgiving spent in Tahlequah is the closest to his spirit that i get all year. the air will be crisp and the leaves will crunch brown under my shoes and it will remind me of being a kid, runny-nosed and freezing playing in the creek with blueish fingertips, the men shooting guns and watching football and the women fussing in the kitchen over pies, and it's a stereotype and i don't care, with venison and turkey both on the table, and my grandma's glass candy jar shaped like a pumpkin full of candy corn pumpkins and chewy orange slices, just like 1989, when life was good and everyone was still alive.

and i am not going to think about work again until monday.

i am NOT not not not.

but i will.