J is sick

i hope i don't catch it. i feel terrible for him. sore throat, fever, the whole nine yards. ironically, my saving grace may be the cold sore i've had over the last 48 hours, as a result of which Jim did not kiss me for most of the weekend. maybe i will be spared the cruel fate of being pregnant AND sick and thus unable to dose liberally with nyquil as i'm wont to do when ill.

today i visited two more daycare centers and then ran down to Mom's to drop off a car (long story) and my mom brought me home. when she picked me up, she had this gift for me from my grandma:

for the uninformed, that's a pristine african violet in full bloom. one of my favorite flowers, and terribly hard to cultivate-or at least terribly hard to make bloom. but my grandma has perfected the craft, and her african violets are velvety, gigantic, and in perpetual bloom.

i've had one before, with some luck, but unfortunately gatsby is of the opinion that african violets make a divine salad, so this one will be whisked away to my office window first thing in the morning. i took that picture with the violet sitting on my dresser in front of the black and white photograph of my (maternal) grandparents on their wedding day. everyone in unison, now: awwwww. too cute, i know. see how tall my grandpa was? he played football for Oklahoma. they made quite the handsome couple. end bragging.

okay, now, for the daycare search drama, which i haven't been able to bring myself to write about yet because i've been just too thoroughly annoyed.

i'm just now beginning my fourth month. i'm like barely into my second trimester - by just days. so when i started scouting out daycares last month i thought i was waaaaay ahead of the game.

wrong. so, so wrong.

there are two or three daycares downtown that provide infant care (most notably, first christian and trinity episcopalian), in addition to a jewish private school, and a nonsectarian private school, which is on my commute. when i called them to set up appointments for tours, i thought i was doing great, mentally patting myself on the back. i'm not due for another six months, and i won't need daycare for eight. this motherhood thing is cake.

"we have an extensive wait list."

"you should come in right away and get on the list."

"we recommend that you get on the list for at least five centers."

"we might be able to get you in by february."

february? february??? what exactly do you expect me to do for childcare between october and february? are you insane? is this some kind of passive-aggressive anti-feminist punishment for women who surrender their tender young infants to the cold, cruel world of daycare while they pursue their "careers?" "you should be at home with your infant, silly woman. to teach you, we will make childcare all but impossible to obtain. bwa ha ha." sounds like solid republican policy to me.

i digress. but it begs the question: if i'm getting this when i'm only three months pregnant, where did all the women come from who beat me onto the wait list? is finding a daycare now something you do at the same time you register for china and book a church? "i love you madly - will you marry me? and how do you feel about parochial school?"

apparently there is some sort of mass-scale infant care shortage around here. whatever. i really don't care what caused this, i am just seriously annoyed that when my maternity leave is up i am going to be faced with the very real possibility that i might have no where to put the baby. i mean, it's not like i relish the idea of putting my eight-week-old child in the hands of strangers, but what options do i have? PARTICULARLY when the going rate for these daycares runs around one thousand dollars a month. they offer "financial aid" to "qualified families," but financial aid isn't determined until after i am admitted - oh, and also, since everyone's fall enrollment (for infants!) begins august 15, i have to start PAYING ON AUGUST 15 to "hold our spot," even though my baby isn't due until SEPTEMBER and i'm not going to need childcare until the end of OCTOBER.

that's right. i'm going to be paying for daycare while this child is still in utero. does this not sound completely insane to anyone else?

in my head, i have the daycares ranked in order of my personal preferences, but reality is slowly sinking in: my personal preferences really don't mean jack, and i'm going to have to stick the baby in the first available spot that opens up in order to keep my job.

this has been an infuriating process for me. the cheapest daycare i've visited is closer to $550/mo, but it's not desirable. my favorite center is $800/mo, but it's also the smallest and hardest to get into. i just ended a sentence with a preposition, and i'm so incensed i'm not even going to go back and fix it. so THERE.

this is a terrible thing to say, but i wish i made less money, and then i could justify staying home with the baby to defray the cost of unaffordable childcare. unfortunately, i can't in good conscience do that financially to our family. not to mention it would be disastrous for my career. we are fortunate that the obscene cost of daycare falls into the category of "lifestyle-crunching expense" and not "will-we-still-be-able-to-pay-our-other-bills expense."

but man, i'm not happy. i never thought i'd want to stay at home with my children until i was faced with the reality of paying $1,000 a month for the privilege of dumping my tiny newborn infant off with strangers for 9 hours a day while i sit in front of a computer, racking up billable hours for the man. i'm a suit! crap! how did that sneak up on me? and what kind of choice is that to be faced with? it's a no-win situation for everyone.