life has been really stressful lately. which is completely unsurprising of anyone juggling a new baby, new business, and a new house.
i feel like i work all the time now, which is funny because i'm not in the office that much, running around doing this or that urgent thing. work is constantly on my mind, and i can never get caught up, because i'm juggling 10,000 things at once. i have lots of people who want to help, but there are some things that just can't be delegated. for instance, i can't delegate my legal work, and i can't delegate breastfeeding. and those are the two most pressing responsibilities that i have in my life right now. if i could just have one day where i could sit at my desk nonstop and work from 8 to 5 without distraction it would be a miracle.
but i guess that's what being a mom is about.
the other night it was late, i was hungry, it was dark outside and storming, and i was sitting here at my desk, working. and missing aislinn. and then paul mccartney's "maybe i'm amazed" came on the radio, which is one of about 60,000 songs that reminds me of my dad (i didn't listen to KMOD for about five years after he died), and i instantly and without warning burst into tears.
i really, really miss my dad. he's been gone for twelve years, and the pain is still incredibly fresh.
my mom tells me how much i'm like him, what with my strong aversion to working for the man and all, and how proud he'd be of me. it's helpful, and it also breaks my heart. i know there's all that "oh but he can see you" stuff, but that's really never been helpful to me. we all have our own concepts of heaven, and mine is a little more ethereal than that. i know his spirit is out there somewhere, but i don't really think he's peeking down from between the clouds to check on me.
i will always be angry that he is gone, and i will always be a little empty inside, and times like this--when life is changing so fast that you can't catch your breath--make the wind roaring around in that empty spot sound a little bit louder.
5 comments:
I have nothing to say that will make this hurt go away. I can say, I understand the incrediable pain. It's NOT fair. It's not fair that our parent (you dad, my mom) is missing out on the greatest joy of our lives, our kiddos, their grandkiddos. There is NOTHING that anyone can say that will make this better... I understand.
And I am sorry.
Melis,
It's not fair, and it doesn't matter that it was twelve years ago. You don't know how many times I've wished he was here to share in this with you. I love you!!!!
-jessalynn
I'm going to send you internet hugs. I'm sorry you're hurting and stressed and that I can't do much to help with that. Well, I am still lactating. Ha ha. {{{hugs}}}
its nice to see your opening up more about your dad. your incredible.
Me too kid, not a day has gone by in those 12 years that I haven't thought of him. I wish he could see beautiful Aislinn. When she's older and if you are willing I have stories. I love you!
charlie
Post a Comment